The "In-my-world-this-would-be-a-crime" Crime

Today I had a huge raging headache that didn't go away after I tried to unsuccessfully drug it with caffeine (since I do get caffeine-withdrawal headaches) and ibuprofen. Before resorting to a trio sampler of hard liquor, hard drugs, and cement-block-to-the-head, I calmly suggested we eat out somewhere quick so I wouldn't have to cook. In my uninspired headache mode, I mumbled seafood and we ended up at the local joint. Menu sampler seen here

Fine. I order the lobster seafood roll in my uninspired mumbled state. I am presented with an ice-cream scoop size of premade lobster/seafood/mayo and a cold hard hoagie. Oh yeah, with some shit lettuce thrown on to make up for the lack of seafood-to-bun ratio. It is immediate that I notice the roll...Yes, I can SEE the lack of distinguishing toasty/grillage marks. I then feel how cold and UNTOASTY/GRILLY it is. I poke it with my fork and it sponges back to its unsofty untoasty state. I flip through the images in my brain and know the menu states "grilled hoagie" or some sort. I mentally go to a whiney-unhappy-non grilly-non toasty-state.

Ugh.

Of course it takes the waitress a good 3/4 of the way into my scoop of seafood to drag her happy ass over to our table to ask how things are. My life companion got the most delicious fish ever for a change and blurts out an enthusiastic "GREAT!" to the waitress... (I glare jealously) ... And I squeak out a meager "Actually..." I proceeded to demonstrate how falsely prepared the roll was and my complete dissatisfaction with their product.

Now, I know how uncomfortable it is as a waitress to be presented with an unhappy client. Some people don't even complain because of that precise moment when you feel like the complete asshole for bringing up stuff that isn't really their fault. HOWEVER, there are appropriate actions for any good waitress to take.

Step 1: Offer to replace bad portion of the food. This is the knee-jerk reaction to any complaint that a portion of the food is bad. I'm not disagreeing with this step, but in my situation it's just mind-boggling how I would suddenly want them to deliver a single bun on a plate 3/4 of the way into the meal.

Step 2+: Offer any way to compensate or make the customer happy. I guess my waitress couldn't conjure up anything else in her head to satisfy my unhappiness because she just said "Oh." after I declined her step 1 offer. Not good. Now I have to conjure up in my brain a scenario that doesn't make it sound like I'm pathetic for complaining. I blurt out, "Just go tell the cook and your manager not to serve this menu item like this..." Ugh, you know all I'm thinking INSIDE my head is:
- gimme a coupon
- gimme a drink
- gimme a dollah off sistah
- gimme item for free
- gimme, gimme, gimme.

Nope, I instead witness her go tell her manager. "Cool" methinks. Wrong. I think I mouth-read those mofos taking my complaint sarcastically. There was no grovelling back to our table by any manager. They probably took my picture and will have the cooks spit in my food next time I'm there.

While you all probably think I'm thinking the crime lay in lack of customer service, I'm actually still thinking about that damn hoagie roll. You just don't serve any type of seafood roll on a dry cold bun. Crime committed. Judge Sfoofie rules 22 months of community service feeding old bread to birds.