Had to share....crying I'm laughing so much

Beginning....fine fine.... fast forward a bit to where this video gets REALLY WEIRD. Then pee your pants a little because you're laughing so hard. What? You didn't...oh....nevermind.

wha?

I just got back from Whole Foods. No, not the one in Chicago.

"Hi Whole Foods!"

(kudos if you get this joke!))

I picked up a few items from the regular aisles and then realized it was 1pm and I needed some lunch. Sooo I go put together a delightful salad, picked up a fresh strawberry lemonade, and headed to the "express" aisle with all my items.

I put my few items, plus my two lunch items, onto the counter and the girl gives me a blank look.

She then says: "Ummm, I don't have any bags for your stuff."

Yes, I have now found myself in a grocery check out at a standstill with a clerk. I'm drawing complete blanks in my thought process.... Wondering if I should pick up all my items again and proceed over to other checkouts...wondering if she is forcing me to purchase the enviro-friendly canvas tote...wondering if she is going to move forward in her clerk role and call for someone bring bags over...wondering what fresh hell I've entered....

Me: "Well, umm..."

Her: "Yeah, I only have like 2 bags"

Wait. A few minutes ago you said you didn't have ANY. Now you have channeled LIKE TWO at your disposal?!?

Her: "Yeah, just two...."

More blank stares at me....but she isn't checking out my items or making any effort to scan and put my items into the two bags. They must be magic bags! I must negotiate!

Me: "Well, I only have these few items. Plus these two I need left out for my lunch. I think I only need one of the bags."

...because she CLEARLY wasn't moving towards giving up BOTH. OF. THE. PRECIOUS. BAGS.

Her: "We stopped using plastic bags, I just have a paper one."

Me: "I think one bag is enough for just these items. Paper is fine."

I mean, geez, I'm not some freako who wouldn't reuse a brown paper bag. Is she giving me the green enviro stink eye? Would she label me as a NON REUSER OF USABLE THINGS? My thought process trails back to the canvas totes...is she really just being a trained monkey to force people into safe-zone of canvas totes?

FINALLY she starts scanning and bagging my few items into my cautiously negotiated brown paper bag. But wait. She doesn't stop there, I mean, she's on a roll!

Her: "Yeah, this lane is an express lane for 10 items or less, I'm not really sure this will all fit into the bag."

She's quite the bagging pessimist isn't she?! Plus, I am CLEARLY standing under a sign that says 15 items or less, not 10. (Hey, she started it. I'll break it down into details.) I do a quick count: I have 13 items - minus two to be left out. I only have 11 items to fit into one bag... OH THE HORROR. They aren't 11 gallons of organic rice cream or 11 watermelons. 11 small items. 1 paper bag. Can she do it?

(meanwhile I'm thinking she really could use the TWO bags if the one doesn't work out. Right? Then when I leave, haul her express ass over to the regular lines, pick up two more bags, and usher in another era of hell with another customer.)

OF COURSE IT ALL FITS INTO THE ONE PRECIOUS BAG.

I pay for my groceries and go eat my delicious lunch. Grumbling about express lanes.

Bye Whole Foods. Bye.


I'm thinking I should do something with the brown paper bag... grocery clerk mask? Throw it away in SPITE and REVENGE? Plant it to see if magic bean stalks grow?

Today's Revelations

* I dont like peeling oranges. I like cutting them into wedges and eating the delicious part out of the skin.
* Eating oranges made me happy
* Static electricity at the gym is scary. Kept shocking my poor left ear!!
* The internet is an endless resource for learning about static electricity. I think I've cured what the problems were (dry skin, fresh laundered clothes, dry air, cold morning, dry shoes)
* Gimme Arabic bread (thin pita) and melted mozzarella and I am a happy woman
* Pineapple scented things are totally ruined when they contain other totally not necessary scents like coconut. Or mandarin orange. Or "tropical" artificial scents. WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE PINEAPPLE?
--> sidenote: Boo to yankee candle for discontinuing pineapple paradise. That scent was the only reason I ever bought from them...and was the BEST smelling thing EVAR.
* I can totally tune out anything when I'm reading a book.
* Tuning everything out while reading a book is fabulous.
* There is a big crack in our wall that I never noticed
* I really do love and appreciate all my friends
* A band from college that I know totally got 5000 times better with the changeup of the lead singer. I've told the guitarist that they've needed a new lead singer for YEARS. To know how much better they sound now is pretty gratifying
* I need to do dishes. yuck.
* The apartment really is a lot better now that I'm around a lot more
* I don't miss taking a billion phone calls a day and solving horrid insurance cases.
* I keep dreaming about past jobs I've held.
* I dream a lot. and a lot more vividly than most people. I had a dream this week containing some random person from high school. Then I get a message from his wife (who I also went to high school with) that they are expecting a baby girl. So random that I had a dream and an important announcement involving the same RANDOM person.
* Even when I have access to all the cable channels at the gym, I always seem to end up watching a channel I get at home. I'm just used to all the food network, bravo, style, and women's channel entertainment.
* I can't wait until I can go play tennis, go for a bike ride, have a picnic, BE OUTSIDE AND NOT BE COLD, go for morning walks, golf, etc
* I've set my goals for tomorrow: dishes, buying soil to start the patio garden, going to a strength class at the Y, and going through one cupboard in the kitchen to match containers to covers.
* I can't bring myself to get rid of the bridal magazines. Why?
* Enchanted is a delightful movie
* Cuddling and watching Enchanted is the best
* I definitely know which kind of contact lenses I'm going with. I was given two sets to try out and one is a ton better than the ones I'm wearing today.
* You don't need to have a fancy camera to take a good picture
* I love my bestest friend

Blog away

I actually have a lot to blog about today. I'm kinda mixed up today. Bear with me...

I had a dream last night - a very clear and strange dream. First I went some sort of a road trip to Miami. When I drove back, I went to my parents house and walked in. My dad was there rocking a baby. He then proceeded to say, "Well, what do you think of your new baby brother?" WHA?! The baby had red hair and looked like my dad.... adorable, but WHA?! Baby had a name even! (Samuel) It was such a WEIRD dream. I like that I dream and that I can remember them and all their details, but sometimes they freak me out. It is obvious why I dreamt about a baby... Jonahbebe's mum and dad(my brother) are expecting a baby boy any day now. I'm really excited bout it and must have been on my mind. I'm hoping for a smooth birth for them and looking forward to cooing at a little one soon. Trust, nephews and nieces are great things. Secretly, I know I need to rock this baby to cure my own biological clock ticking in me! It is just weird why I would dream that my parents would be hiding a pregnancy and a birth from me... Why my mom?!? (she is so going to freak reading this!!!!)

I do remember when my little brother Zach was born quite clearly... I was 13. My dad had the cutest and proudest little smile on his face when he woke me up that morning (6am) to tell me I had a new brother. I remember that old house and my old room and exactly how my bed was in that room (behind the door) when he walked in. (Oh man, the memories of that blue floral wallpapered walls and crazy blue carpeting.) This dream sort-of reflected those moments too. I've always said that the birth of Zachary brought great happiness to our family, so I'm not sure if this dream is reflecting that this new little one will be a great addition to our fam. I know. Go ahead and say it: "Awww."


__________________________

In very very sad news, my coworker's daughter died last night. She had had lymphoma for a while, but only recently was in the hospital for the flu. They couldn't get her over the flu and she started to develop weird symptoms... Then she had a stroke and lapsed into a coma this last Saturday. Really, it would be like dying from the common flu. A body just can't fight with a weakened immune system.

Please, please. Say a prayer for my coworker Mary and her family. Her daughter was only in her 20s and I know Mary will need strength and a sense of peace to come with this.


With this news welled something inside of me. Sometimes we feel hopeless that we can't do "anything" to help someone when they are dealing with all of that. Today I really reflected that our work department would be without Mary for quite awhile... I know that once she is back there will be a lot of strain for her with the current stressors. Trust, our department is crazed out.

They already have a replacement for me lined up - A super awesome candidate from another department. However, they couldnt' get this new girl in for training until this week - and we only have her for half days.

So.

I offered to come back to work again next week to help training of the new girl more. Before you all gasp in horror, I did it for a number of reasons and I really think this was the right decision. Please follow along:

1. I really timed out my end date all wrong... February 29th is not a payday. I really wanted to end on a pay period day anyway.

2. It will ONLY be half days.

3. It will ONLY be for training. If an agent needs to get ahold of me after this Friday, I'm technically non-existent there. Tough jerky for them.

4. I know that getting my replacement trained will help the department with Mary being out for awhile.

PLUS

5. It will help once Mary is back to not stress her so much

6. My boss gave me a huge hug today and really sincerely thanked me for offering this. She told me if I ever needed a solid gold reference, she would be there.


I am technically celebrating me leaving, but I will go back next week to help out.

Isn't it hard to celebrate when there is a very sad event occurring?