I just got back from Whole Foods. No, not the one in Chicago.
"Hi Whole Foods!"
(kudos if you get this joke!))
I picked up a few items from the regular aisles and then realized it was 1pm and I needed some lunch. Sooo I go put together a delightful salad, picked up a fresh strawberry lemonade, and headed to the "express" aisle with all my items.
I put my few items, plus my two lunch items, onto the counter and the girl gives me a blank look.
She then says: "Ummm, I don't have any bags for your stuff."
Yes, I have now found myself in a grocery check out at a standstill with a clerk. I'm drawing complete blanks in my thought process.... Wondering if I should pick up all my items again and proceed over to other checkouts...wondering if she is forcing me to purchase the enviro-friendly canvas tote...wondering if she is going to move forward in her clerk role and call for someone bring bags over...wondering what fresh hell I've entered....
Me: "Well, umm..."
Her: "Yeah, I only have like 2 bags"
Wait. A few minutes ago you said you didn't have ANY. Now you have channeled LIKE TWO at your disposal?!?
Her: "Yeah, just two...."
More blank stares at me....but she isn't checking out my items or making any effort to scan and put my items into the two bags. They must be magic bags! I must negotiate!
Me: "Well, I only have these few items. Plus these two I need left out for my lunch. I think I only need one of the bags."
...because she CLEARLY wasn't moving towards giving up BOTH. OF. THE. PRECIOUS. BAGS.
Her: "We stopped using plastic bags, I just have a paper one."
Me: "I think one bag is enough for just these items. Paper is fine."
I mean, geez, I'm not some freako who wouldn't reuse a brown paper bag. Is she giving me the green enviro stink eye? Would she label me as a NON REUSER OF USABLE THINGS? My thought process trails back to the canvas totes...is she really just being a trained monkey to force people into safe-zone of canvas totes?
FINALLY she starts scanning and bagging my few items into my cautiously negotiated brown paper bag. But wait. She doesn't stop there, I mean, she's on a roll!
Her: "Yeah, this lane is an express lane for 10 items or less, I'm not really sure this will all fit into the bag."
She's quite the bagging pessimist isn't she?! Plus, I am CLEARLY standing under a sign that says 15 items or less, not 10. (Hey, she started it. I'll break it down into details.) I do a quick count: I have 13 items - minus two to be left out. I only have 11 items to fit into one bag... OH THE HORROR. They aren't 11 gallons of organic rice cream or 11 watermelons. 11 small items. 1 paper bag. Can she do it?
(meanwhile I'm thinking she really could use the TWO bags if the one doesn't work out. Right? Then when I leave, haul her express ass over to the regular lines, pick up two more bags, and usher in another era of hell with another customer.)
OF COURSE IT ALL FITS INTO THE ONE PRECIOUS BAG.
I pay for my groceries and go eat my delicious lunch. Grumbling about express lanes.
Bye Whole Foods. Bye.
I'm thinking I should do something with the brown paper bag... grocery clerk mask? Throw it away in SPITE and REVENGE? Plant it to see if magic bean stalks grow?